


Fulcrum and the Machines

by Squirrels_All_The_Way_Down



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types, Supernatural, The Man in the High Castle (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Crossover, Drugs, Music, Rebellion, Television
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-30 22:01:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19412266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squirrels_All_The_Way_Down/pseuds/Squirrels_All_The_Way_Down
Summary: Ahsoka Tano is assigned a new team of unlikely rebels. Also, they have to make a TV show together. Hijinks ensue.[No attempt is made to be in character or canon consistent.]





	1. 1.01 Pilot

Shot of the exterior of a sketchy looking strip mall on an alien planet, early afternoon. Dust rises as a ship lands. It looks like the space equivalent of a 20-year-old Kia - not great, and complete with a white stripe down the middle. It wobbles as it lands, then falls the last foot. The bumper falls off. A bedraggled-looking Togruta emerges.

Ahsoka [Seeing the bumper]: Shit.

She gives it a futile kick, then electronically locks the ship (it makes a lame chirp) and walks into a seedy looking bar. The storefront next door has neon signs reading “TATTOOS - PIERCINGS - LIMB REMOVAL / ATTACHMENT.”

Interior shot of the bar as Ahsoka walks in. It’s dingy but unremarkable with a handful of patrons. Smooth jazz is playing in the background. The bartender is a large bald human.

Bartender: What’re you having?

Ahsoka [collapsing onto bar stool]: Large latte. No sugar. Make it on the rocks.

The bartender grunts blankly, then moves some rat traps and stacks of old physics journals from the back of the bar, revealing an espresso machine. It looks like it hasn’t been used or cleaned in several years. He gets the worst of the spiderwebs off, then starts making the drink.

A Trandoshan sits down on the bar stool next to Ahsoka. 

Trandoshan: Sssssay… don’t I know you from sssssomewhere?

Ahsoka (turning away): No.

Trandoshan: I’m sssso sure I’ve ssssseen you before…

Ahsoka: Must be another Togruta. We all look alike.

Trandoshan: Oh, I know where it wasssss… I saw you on the holo-newssssss with ten thousand credits on your head.

His gun is already out and pointed at Ahsoka. She slowly turns and glares at him as “Bad Reputation” starts up. As soon as the lyrics start, she leaps over the Trandoshan to the opposite bar stool and body slams him into the bar. An epic fight scene ensues: The Trandoshan tries to get his gun up, but Ahsoka grabs it and uses it to flip back over him. She rips the gun away shoots him. The other patrons draw their guns, and the room lights up with gunfire. Ahsoka flips over the bar, narrowly avoiding the bartender, who continues making the coffee with an eye roll. Ahsoka does some fancy Force moves that end with the other patrons being entangled in plastic tablecloths and chair legs. She grabs the finished coffee drink, tosses the bartender some credits, flips back over the bar (coffee still in hand), and walks out the door as the song ends.

Back to the same shot of the parking lot as Ahsoka emerges. She slides back into the ship and starts rummaging in the glove compartment. It’s full of packs of gum and gum wrappers, but all of them seem to be empty. 

Ahsoka: Dammit….

The space equivalent of a car phone starts beeping. Ahsoka answers. 

Scrambled voice that we all know is Bail Organa: Staying busy, I see.

Ahsoka: What have you got for me this time?

Bail: Brah, chill. I just wanted to chat.

Ahsoka doesn’t answer.

Bail: Okay, I actually do have something.

Ahsoka: Sweet. What do you need me to blow up?

Bail: Actually, I’m trying something new. I’m trying to put a team together.

Ahsoka: Nope.

Bail: But just hear me-

Ahsoka: Bail, we’ve been over this. I work alone. 

Bail: Wait up. I’ve found some new people. They’re a bit rough around the edges, but they have real promise. They just need a commander, someone to point them in the right direction. If you could just-

Ahsoka: Because that’s worked out so well for me in the past.

Bail: Try to see this from my point of view, Ahsoka. If you were in my position, what would you rather have? One good agent, or a great team?

Ahsoka [mumbled]: I’m an EXCELLENT agent, but-

Bail: What?

Ahsoka: Nothing.

Bail: Just think about it - if you train five new agents, and they can assemble their own teams, then we’re… five times closer to beating the Empire! Right? Ahsoka, you’re one of my best people, but there are some missions a single person just can’t do. Think about it! I could put you guys on a heist! Heists are fun, right?

Ahsoka says nothing.

Bail: ...Will you at least come by and meet the team? I just know you guys are going to hit it off.

Ahsoka: ...Fine. You better get the coffee going, though.

Bail: See you in thirty, then.

Shot of the ship taking off. It’s smoking rather nastily. The bumper is left behind.

TITLE SEQUENCE: “Shades of Gray” by Billy Joel

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
Shots of hastily scribbled notes and conspiracy boards. Contains things like “Simple machines???” (circled several times) as well as various improbable-looking heist plans

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
More shots of conspiracy boards with Ahsoka’s face plastered on them and “Lever??” circled several times. Camera follows that yarn/pin thing conspiracy boards always use to pictures that appear to be blurred out shittily in postproduction.

Instrumental bridge. Silhouette of three figures (one with what looks like a growth on its shoulder, and one that definitely has horns) grouped together. Zoom out.

[All of the main characters have a Firefly-esque feature, a still of their face while footage of them being awesome plays]

Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth  
Ahsoka “Fulcrum” Tano feature. Footage of her being generally awesome - basic lightsaber and dexterity check stuff.

No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth  
Bail “Fingerguns” Organa feature. Footage of him being a cool dad.

These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for  
Back to Ahsoka. She appears to be in a coffee shop working on a laptop. She looks up, confused as to why the camera is back on her.

My faith is falling away; I'm not that sure anymore  
Literally just the same Bail footage again.

Instrumental. Blurry image of the Loch Ness Monster. Song abruptly cuts to the outtro guitar, almost as if there will be more characters featured that the show hasn’t introduced yet.

Outtro guitar. Title card: FULCRUM AND THE MACHINES (Created by Squirrels_All_The_Way_Down)

Last guitar beat. Pilot.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Establishing shot of the inside of a futuristic-looking office building, white walls, fluorescent glow. Bail is standing in the hallway. Ahsoka enters from the other end of the hall. Bail tosses her a small object as she approaches - it’s gum. She immediately takes out a piece and starts chewing kind of obnoxiously.

Ahsoka: Thanks.

Bail: Good to see you, Fulcrum.

Ahsoka: So where’s this fantastic team of yours?

Bail [begins walking down the hallway]: Right this way. You know, it’s funny. You remember when we first started working together?

Ahsoka grunts.

Bail: Something about your code name just… stuck with me. And I was watching this woodworking show on PBS the other week and I started thinking… what if you could be one of a set?

He opens a door to the left and guides Ahsoka inside. The shot goes over Ahsoka’s shoulder, then focuses on each Machine in turn. Classic heist team introduction shot.

Bail: Pulley! [He gestures at a canvas-wearing mid-30s human with a large beer gut. He looks a little like Chris Pratt, but more Parks and Rec than Guardians. He appears to be cleaning his blaster staring down the barrel with the safety off.] Inclined Plane! [A scrawny human looks up and waves sheepishly, then breaks eye contact.] Screw! [He points at a purple Rhodian trying to retrieve a Porg from the top of a cabinet.] Wedge! [Bail indicates a teenage boy who looks suspiciously like the fat kid from The Far Side.]

Wedge [standing up to shake Ahsoka’s hand]: *Standing up to shake the lady’s hand* Charmed, m’lady.

Ahsoka doesn’t move; Wedge sits down peevishly.

Bail: And last but not least, Wheel and Axle! [The last person in the room, evidently Wheel and Axle, is a teenage girl with a leather jacket and blue tipped hair. She is looking into a pocket mirror and applying even more eyeliner. She doesn’t look up.] Fulcrum, may I introduce you to… the Simple Machines!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Ahsoka puts Bail’s arm in a vice grip and backs slowly out the door, face frozen. She rearranges her face into a frigid smile as the door shuts, then immediately turns and walks back down the hallway.

Bail [following her]: Fulcrum-

Ahsoka: Nope!

Bail: Ahsoka-

Ahsoka: Bail, you said “rough around the edges.” These guys HAVE no edges. 

Bail: They might not have as much experience-

Ahsoka: I thought you meant MORALLY rough. Like, Ventress or something. 

Bail: Pulley’s a bounty hunter! And Wheel and Axle is edgey! So - Ventress-ish, right?

Ahsoka: Pretty sure none of those guys would be willing to occupy the same PLANET as Ventress. Although actually, are you guys in contact? I’d be willing to consider a Ventress team up at this point.

Bail: Um, no. Sorry.

Ahsoka: Shame.

Bail: If you’d just give them a chance-

Ahsoka [opening door to parking lot]: One chance is all it takes for one of them to get someone killed off. And then I have to live with that. Or they get ME killed off, and then I DON’T have to live with that. Let me know when you have a new solo mission for me. Or if you hear from Ventress.

Bail: Well, if you’ve made up your mind-

Ahsoka: Do I look ambivalent to you?

Bail: -then there’s one other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve noticed your ship is a little… out of date. 

Ahsoka [arms folded, chewing gum]: Yeah?

Bail: I thought it was time for an upgrade.

He gestures; the camera turns to reveal another ship in the lot - it looks fast and sleek, with a new paint job, and it’s about 10 times bigger than Ahsoka’s Kia. It also vaguely brings to mind a 1967 Chevy Impala.

Ahsoka: Ooh.

Bail: I came across it at a show last week and fixed it up. It’s an older model, but it’s got a new engine and a flawless nav system and it gets better mileage than my personal cruiser. Two cargo bays, sleeps 12, crew of 2-

Ahsoka: Hold up. Crew of 2?

Bail: Well, yes. It’s a bigger ship.

Ahsoka: So you want me to take at least one of the screwballs to fly this new ship.

Bail: ...The thought had crossed my mind.

Ahsoka: I could get an astromech.

Bail: You could. But that would seem to go against this gesture of good faith.

Ahsoka [considering]: Automated targeting?

Bail: Yeah.

Ahsoka: Leather seats?

Bail: Corinthian.

Ahsoka: Full kitchen?

Bail: Yep. And an espresso machine. Installed it myself.

Ahsoka: ...Okay. ONE mission. But if any of these fucks die, I’m dropping the rest of them back at daycare and getting an astromech.

Bail: Fair enough.

Ahsoka [Walking toward the ship, not looking back]: I assume you have a job picked out for us. Forward me the intel and these guys’ resumes. Briefing at 0800. And Bail, make sure Wedge takes a shower beforehand.

Bail smiles as Ahsoka walks into the ship. Fade out.

MID-EPISODE COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene opens in the briefing room the Machines were in the previous day. Ahsoka is pacing in front of a screen with a Heist Map and chewing gum rather aggressively. Pulley is sitting up attentively, Wedge and Screw both look lost, Wheel and Axle is picking at her black nail polish. Inclined Plane is missing.

Ahsoka: Bail told you all I expected you to report promptly at 0800, correct?

Pulley: Yes he did, sir. Ma’am? 

[Withering glare from Ahsoka]

Pulley: Sir.

Wheel and Axle: What do you think this is, the Army?

Wedge [under breath]: Why do girls always date non-punctual guys…

The door jiggles a bit; it appears someone is trying to pull open a push door. After way longer than it should have taken to figure this out, Inclined Plane enters carrying a roll of paper towels and Lysol.

Inclined Plane: Sorry it took me so long to get here. Where’s the vomit?

Ahsoka: ...sorry, what?

Inclined Plane: Bail said you needed me here. I assumed someone had an accident. Did the Porg detonate again?

Screw looks sheepish. Ahsoka looks shaken.

Ahsoka: Well… no, there’s no vomit. That I know of. Go ahead and have a seat. Now that we’re ALL HERE, I thought we’d start with a little icebreaker. In exactly ten words, describe yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, and what made you want to join the Rebellion. Everyone take a moment to think about it and-

Pulley: Ooh! Ooh! I’ll go first! Uhhhh… [counting on fingers] Mercenary, ruthless, sharpshooter, boss…. Too Good At Shooting Things. Kidnapping.

Ahsoka: ...All right, thank you, Pulley. Who’s next?

Wedge: Nice Considerate Kind Loyal Not An Asshole French Horn. ...Kidnapping.

Ahsoka: Sorry, what was your weakness?

Wedge: Not An Asshole.

Ahsoka: ...okay….

Screw [looking self-conscious]: Econ major. T Swizzle trivia. Natty Lite. Shy? Socially awkward? I talk too much? Oh wait that’s too many sorry sorry. Also kidnapping.

Ahsoka: Was Natty Lite a strength or a weakness?

Screw: Both?

Inclined Plane: Failed writer. Chemical mixing. Stepping on floor after mopping. Kidnapping.

A long stretch of silence.

Ahsoka: Wheel and Axle, it’s your turn.

Wheel and Axle [still hasn’t looked up]: None of this is real. I don’t have to do your stupid team building. Jesus, this is worse than the first day of 6th grade.

Ahsoka: Excuse me?

Wheel and Axle: The last thing I remember is taking my pot brownies out of the oven and putting on a playlist of Panic! At the Disco music videos. Next thing I know I’m supposed to steal shit from a dystopian government with a bunch of aliens. What would you think was more likely? That I got slipped some LSD, or that this is all real?

Ahsoka: ...Then for the purposes of ending your weird drug trip as quickly as possible, could you just play along?

Wheel and Axle [exaggerated sigh]: Whatever. Fuck authority. Hair dye. Casual stoner. Having identity subverted. Drugs.

Ahsoka: Thank you, Wheel and Axle.

Pulley [in a carrying whisper to Ahsoka]: It sounds like she was also kidnapped.

Wheel and Axle raises her lip at Pulley and Ahsoka.

Ahsoka: ALL of you are part of the Rebellion because you were kidnapped?

General nods and grunts around the table. Wheel and Axle rolls her eyes.

Ahsoka: Do you even WANT to be part of the Rebellion?

Inclined Plane: Wait, you mean actually? I thought you guys wanted me to keep your floors clean.

Ahsoka: Yes, ACTUALLY. Rebelling! Taking back the galaxy from a system of government that opposes freedom and steps on basic rights! Blowing shit up, mostly!

Inclined Plane: Oh, FUCK yeah!

Pulley: I’m your man! Er, simple machine.

Wedge: *sarcastically* Yeah, I mean, maybe girls would LIKE me if I acted more ALPHA MALE.

Wheel and Axle: Whatever.

Screw [looks uncertain but caves to peer pressure when everyone turns to look at him]: Uh… sure, I guess.

Ahsoka: Okay. Glad we’re all on the same page. Well, it’s only fair to tell you that I accepted this mission against my better judgement. I’m just hoping we can do this job, none of us will die, and I’ll get to keep my sick new ship which [more to herself] has GOT to make up for this briefing. Anyway, if you’ll direct your attention to the screen -

Screw: Um, sir?

Ahsoka: What?

Screw: Are you going to do the 10 words thing?

Ahsoka [glaring]: Fulcrum. Dexterity. Lightsabers. Force. Intelligence. Loyalty. Competence. PTSD. Vengeance. Happy now?

Wedge: *Adjusts glasses* That was way more than 10. PTSD alone is 4 words.

Ahsoka: PTSD is one word.

Wedge: *Shrugs* Wrong.

Ahsoka: Oh, sorry, would you like to tell us all about your extensive experience leading perilous sabotage missions against a technologically and bureaucratically superior enemy and also your PhD in modern language?

Wedge: *Rests case* Classic. Girls always get angry at me when they know I’m right. 

Ahsoka’s glare intensifies, and Wedge seems to have a sudden coughing fit. Pulley sideways glances at Ahsoka. She seems to relax her shoulders, and Wedge catches his breath.

Ahsoka: Anyway. I’m sure you’ve all read the mission briefing - [pauses] never mind. Here’s the briefing. [Fancy graphics ensue in the background.] The Empire will be delivering a new shipment of weapons to their base on - oh, it doesn’t matter. Our job is to intercept the carrier ship, steal the guns, and deliver them to the Rebellion. Now, I know this is a bit of a milk run, but since we’re all getting used to working as a team -

Ahsoka sees looks of horror on everyone’s face (except Wheel and Axle) and trails off.

Ahsoka: What?

Pulley: Stealing? From an Imperial carrier ship?

Inclined Plane: From the EMPIRE? But they have, like, laser turrets! And storm troopers! And those little ships that go zipping around everywhere!

Wheel and Axle: TIE Fighters.

Ahsoka looks at Wheel and Axle, even more confused. 

Ahsoka: It seems like you guys aren’t getting the whole Rebellion concept.

Screw: I… I don’t know about this. If you need someone to play the Empire in beer pong, I’m your man, but this…

Wheel and Axle: Screw you guys. Sounds awesome. Fuck the man, right?

Ahsoka: Um, right. Just the kind of nihilistic attitude I look for in my team. Look, you guys, it’ll be super easy. You just get on my ship, I’ll steal the guns, we’ll tell Bail we just don’t mesh professionally, he’ll return you to your lives, and I can have this new ship. Deal?

Screw: Can I bring my anxiety service Porg?

Ahsoka: Sure. 

Nervous shrugs.

Ahsoka [breathing deeply]: Okay. Stealing a weapons shipment. How hard could this be?

Shot immediately transitions to a pitched space battle from the inside of Ahsoka’s ship. Through the window, we can see that Ahsoka’s ship is getting the shit beat out of it by two Imperial Star Destroyers and a laundry list of other Imperial ships. 

Ahsoka [at the helm]: SO not worth it.

BLACKOUT


	2. 1.02 The German Invasion

Announcer (who is the Clone Wars voiceover guy): Last time, on Fulcrum and the Machines…

[Pan shot of the characters]

Ahsoka [breathing deeply]: Okay. Stealing a weapons shipment. How hard could this be?

Shot immediately transitions to a pitched space battle from the inside of Ahsoka’s ship. Through the window, we can see that Ahsoka’s ship is getting the shit beat out of it by two Imperial Star Destroyers and a laundry list of other Imperial ships. 

Ahsoka [at the helm]: SO not worth it.

Announcer: And now, the continuation....

ONE HOUR EARLIER

All the Machines are piled into the cockpit with Ahsoka at the helm.

Pulley: But you said I could co-pilot!

Ahsoka: I said that because you seemed the least mindblown by interstellar travel. Now stop messing with the nav computer. Google Maps can handle it. 

Pulley pouts. 

Ahsoka: Honestly, you guys don’t have to be here. Go amuse yourselves in the kitchen, or something. It’s down the hall on the left. 

All exit except for Ahsoka and Pulley, who looks determined to stay at his post. Pulley slowly reaches for a dial. Ahsoka slaps his hand away.

[Meanwhile, in the kitchen]

Screw: Ooh, space chess! Sick! [He begins moving the characters around and making them eat each other randomly]

Wedge: *sighing* Women don’t appreciate intellectualism anymore.

Wheel and Axle: Wedge?

Wedge: Yes, milady?

Wheel and Axle: Fuck off. [Wheel and Axle begins rummaging in the cabinets. Wedge grumbles something unintelligible and sits on a sofa, not looking at anyone.] 

Screw: Hey, did anyone see where the other guy went? Ramp, or whatever his name was?

Wheel and Axle and Wedge shrug.

[Cut to Inclined Plane crawling through a vent]

Inclined Plane: Down the hall on the left…. Down the hall on the left… Goddammit. 

[Cut back to kitchen]

Wheel and Axle [rummaging in a cabinet]: I can’t believe this.

Screw: What?

Wheel and Axle: Just coffee beans. No hard lemonade, no weed, no nothing. What kind of weak-ass pimp ship is this?

Screw: No prob. [Produces a twelve pack of Natty Lite from behind his back that definitely couldn’t have been there]

Wheel and Axle shrugs, and they crack open a cold one. Screw tosses another can to Wedge, who grumbles again - something about the opium of the proletariat - but opens it.

Screw: You know what would really get this party going? Some music. I think that’s a ship intercom over there.

[Simultaneously] Wedge: Mozart! Wheel and Axle: MCR!

[Suddenly the show becomes animated and there’s a streetfighter game sequence as Wheel and Axle and Wedge face off.]

[Meanwhile, on the bridge]

Pulley: You sure you don’t need any help?

Ahsoka: Oldest trick in the book. You anchor your ship on their destroyer, you spacewalk to an airlock, you hack the airlock open, you find the weapons we’re supposed to steal, you use the Force to carry them back to your ship. Milk run.

Pulley: Actually that sounds super difficult -

Ahsoka [effortlessly dropping out of hyperspace impossibly close to a Star Destroyer and settling the ship on its hull]: Nah. Just keep the power off until I get back.

Pulley: Okay, well… may the Force be, uh, ever in your favor?

[Ahsoka rolls her eyes without looking back as she exits the bridge.]

TITLE SEQUENCE: “Shades of Gray” by Billy Joel [seems more complete, but as if a couple major characters still haven’t been introduced]

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
Shots of hastily scribbled notes and conspiracy boards. Contains things like “Simple machines???” (circled several times) as well as various improbable-looking heist plans

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
More shots of conspiracy boards with Ahsoka’s face plastered on them and “Lever??” circled several times. Camera follows that yarn/pin thing conspiracy boards always use, but the visuals suddenly cut to an advertisement for the Suicide Hotline.

Instrumental bridge. Silhouette of three figures (one with what looks like a growth on its shoulder, and one that definitely has horns) grouped together. Zoom out.

[All of the main characters have a Firefly-esque feature, a still of their face while footage of them being awesome plays]

Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth  
Ahsoka “Fulcrum” Tano feature. Footage of her being generally awesome - basic lightsaber and dexterity check stuff.

No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth  
Bail “Fingerguns” Organa feature. Footage of him being a cool dad.

[Song awkwardly skips the next lines]

Instrumental. Zoom out to Ahsoka, Bail, and another man with a frown emoji photoshopped over his face (and a suspiciously blurry shoulder) in cool poses wearing sunglasses. Pulley crosses the screen eating a snack and slips and falls. The gang simultaneously facepalm.

[All of the Machines do not have Firefly-esque credits because their features are very short. However, all their names are animated based on the function of their namesake machine.]

Shades of grey wherever I go  
Pulley’s feature; he squirts himself in the face with a water pistol

The more I find out the less that I know  
Screw’s feature; he winks and points finger guns at the camera. Ahsoka (and the viewer) grow suddenly gayer.

Black and white is how it should be  
Wheel and Axle and Wedge feature. W&A stands there angstily, Wedge tries to lean against her casually, she steps away and he falls spectacularly like a Looney Tunes cartoon.

But shades of grey are the colors I see  
Inclined Plane feature. He stands there awkwardly, hands in pockets.

[Skipping to the end of the song] Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
All form together and put on sunglasses. Some team members struggle with this task

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
Footage awkwardly skips back 10 seconds.

Outtro guitar. Title card: FULCRUM AND THE MACHINES (Created by Squirrels_All_The_Way_Down)

Last guitar beat. The German Invasion.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Back in the kitchen, Screw is fiddling with the intercom. Wheel and Axle and Wedge seem to have entered a staring contest]

Voice of Pulley: This is your co-pilot speaking. All systems except life support are to be turned off until further notice. Uh, over.

Screw: Shoot, how did he do that? [He presses some more buttons on the intercom. The espresso machine starts shooting out coffee grounds. The Porg begins playing in them like a kid in a leafpile.]

[Cut to Ahsoka doing a sneaky sneak through the star destroyer]

[Cut to Inclined Plane, who seems to have made it to the engine room; he has several control panels open]

Inclined Plane: Oh, okay, here we go-

[Cut to kitchen crowd; Screw is fiddling with the speakers while Wheel and Axle and Wedge hover over his shoulder]

Screw: Got it!

[Cut to Ahsoka, mid-creep-pose, towing several large crates with the Force]

WELL IF YOU WANTED HONESTY THAT’S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY

Ahsoka: Wha-

[Several Stormtroopers whirl in the hallway and begin shooting]

BUH BUH DA BUH, BA DA DUM [Mozart piano concerto #16]

[Ahsoka looks even more confused as the Stormtroopers run toward her]

[Cut to the kitchen group. Wheel and Axle and Wedge are alternately shoving each other out of the way.]

Pulley’s intercom voice: Um, guys? Could you turn it down a bit?

REMEMBER WHEN YOU BROKE YOUR FOOT FROM JUMPING OUT THE SECOND FLOOR

Wedge: *Victorious* See? Pulley despises your lowbrow emo music as well. Now, shall we return to the classics-

Pulley [shouting over renewed piano]: No, it’s more that… we’re on a stealth mission? And you seem to have hacked into the external ship sirens?

[Screw appears to be hyperventilating. Even Wedge looks a little squeamish. Wheel and Axle looks bored and takes back control, turning the music up and headbopping.]

I’M NOT OKAY, I’M NOT OKAY, I’M NOT OKAY, YOU WEAR ME OUT-

[Ahsoka seems to have accepted the situation and proceeds to fight her way back to the airlock whilst accompanied by the MCR and towing the crates behind her; it’s pretty badass. Alarms inside the ship begin to sound.]

[Cut back to the bridge; Pulley is staring straight ahead and white knuckling the steering wheel. TIE fighters begin to deploy from the destroyers.]

Ahsoka [entering]: What the absolute - never mind, I don’t want to know. Pulley, release the docking clamps! Inclined Plane, aft turret! Screw, forward turret! 

Screw [over the intercom]: Ma’am, uh, sir - we don’t know where Inclined Plane is -

Ahsoka [While firing up the engines and performing impressive maneuvers through the incoming TIE fighters]: Omigod this ship is the size of a Corsucant apartment, where the fuck could he be? Fine! Wheel and Axle, aft turret! And Wedge, get me a coffee!

Wedge [over the intercom]: *drawing on his extensive knowledge of gender studies* Oh, I see that you think you’re subverting the patriarchy by reversing the classically toxic office environment, but in actuality we as a society need to consider the harm done on the abuser-

Ahsoka: Wedge, if there is not a coffee in my hand in thirty seconds you’re going to find yourself in an intimate relationship with that fedora. Where are my turrets, people?!

[Cut to Screw, who is trying to fire up his targeting computer with a screaming Porg in his lap]

Wheel and Axle [over intercom]: C’mon, Screw! Point and shoot! [She begins firing; many of her shots hit the TIE fighters]

Ahsoka: Huh.

Pulley [pressing a button]: Is this a missile?

Ahsoka: That’s waste disposal, Pulley.

[Cut to a TIE fighter suddenly engulfed in Porg droppings]

Ahsoka: Although, actually, not a bad move. Now don’t touch anything else.

[Pulley looks very self satisfied.]

[Various naval maneuvers; the Space Impala is engulfed in TIE fighters and quickly being surrounded by the larger ships. Several shots have hit the ship. The engines make an ominous “cooling down” noise.]

Pulley: Uh, Captain? Looks like they’ve knocked out our impulse engines. We’re, uh, kind of dead in space.

Ahsoka [cup of coffee suddenly in hand]: SO not worth it. Okay, people, we have to get out of here with our asses intact. We’ll have to jump to hyperspace from here.

Pulley: Aren’t we not supposed to do that? Something about gravity wells? Or something?

Ahsoka: Fuck gravity wells; I’m Ahsoka Tano. Whoever’s closest to the engine room! Fix the engines!

[Shots of the Machines not making eye contact with the camera; clearly none of them put points in engineering. But in the (eerily silent) engine room, we see Inclined Plane considering a large instrument panel thoughtfully.]

Inclined Plane: Hmm… yes, if the ship’s architect came from a deeply mythological background and did his blueprints in base 7, and then this is actually retrofitted ASCII code, this must be the way to the kitchen….

[Inclined Plane hits a complex string of buttons and dials. The engine roars to life, and the ship jumps to hyperspace.]

Ahoska: YES! 

[The other Machines crowd onto the bridge, including Inclined Plane] 

Ahsoka [breathing deeply]: All right, people. Not dead. Awesome. Okay. I’ve put the ship on autopilot and locked you out of the controls, and now I’m going to take more than the recommended number of Advils and sleep until we’re back to base. Nice working with you. If I ever see any of you again, it will be too soon. [Exits]

Pulley [oblivious]: Yeah! Nice job, team!

[Everyone exasperatedly heads to different parts of the ship, leaving Pulley looking crestfallen.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene opens in Ahsoka’s dimly lit quarters. She appears to be reading The Fault in Our Stars; the title is in Aurebesh but the clouds are there. A knock at the door.]

Ahsoka [shoving the book under the covers and pulling out The Art of War]: If whoever is outside has a construction-themed code name, I want to make myself clear-

Bail: It’s me, brah.

Ahsoka: Oh. [Opens the door with the Force] You’ve come to tell me that you’ve returned your Machines to their parents’ basements, I take it?

Bail: On the contrary. I hear your mission was a resounding success. 

Ahsoka: What?

Bail: The weapons you recovered are being distributed to the Rebellion. You suffered no casualties and sustained only minor damage to your ship. And a little bird told me you did some damage to the 5th Squadron as well. 

Ahsoka [groaning]: Yes, because I took care of it! Your pet projects only got in my way. Now I don’t want to say I told you so, but-

Bail: From what I hear, you weren’t the one to fix the ship. Or the one to shoot down the TIE fighters.

Ahsoka: ...I can’t believe you debriefed those fucks before me.

Bail: They seemed in an awful hurry to get off the ship, so I figured we could have a quick chat in the parking lot. But I hear you. The new recruits need more training. On your team’s next mission-

Ahsoka: What - no! That is absolutely not what I said! Now thank you for the ship, I’ll bill the Rebellion for my new astromech, and we can put this whole mess behind us. 

Bail [suddenly entering Dad Mode]: Now, Ahsoka. I did a lot of work to put this team together. I don’t think you’ve given them a fair chance. I’ll give you all the day to cool off, and then this evening -

Ahsoka [suddenly icy]: Bail, you’re not hearing me. These are not conflicts of personality or style. These people do not have the skills to accomplish this job, and your shocking inability to see that endangers all the work we’ve done in this sector. Now I’m going to have to ask you to leave my ship. Which, by the way, I have the deed to. 

[Bail, shocked, doesn’t seem to realize that Ahsoka is maneuvering him out of her room until she shuts the door in his face.]

[Cut back to the Machines, who are sitting around the conference room in the Rebel Office again. An aggressive silence pervades the room.]

Pulley [evidently restarting a conversation that ended some time ago]: But then you were like, pew pew pew! And Wedge was all, fuck the patriarchy! That was AWESOME!

[Wheel and Axle continues scrolling her phone, making annoying tapping noises with her fingernails. Screw looks like he’s trying to melt into his chair and/or hide behind his emotional support Porg. Wedge snorts self-importantly.]

Bail [entering, looking nervous]: Well, guys, I’m sorry to say that it looks like this team isn’t going to work out. [Collective sighs of relief from the Machines.] But fear not! I’ll find a commander that fits your… uh… talents. I’m thinking… Meebur Gascon? [Collective hackles re-raise] 

[At that moment, the conference room seems to shudder and various computer monitors and pagers start beeping.]

Bail: Hmm. Well. We seem to be… under attack. But have no fear, our shield generators are-

[Outside shot of the shields fizzling and going down. Pan out slightly to a star destroyer and a nontrivial support fleet. A pause, and then a barrage of artillery from all the ships that pretty much wipes out a couple wings of the office park. A storm trooper landing party approaches the building from the north side. Pan back in on a single figure running toward the building from the west.]

Ahsoka: Fuck! Shit! Fuck! [She bursts into the smoldering building and continues running down the hallway.]

[Cut back to Bail and co.]

Bail: Well. Hmm. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that that weapons shipment had a tracking device.

Wheel and Axle [not looking up from her phone]: Whoops.

[All the other Machines are standing and backed against the wall.]

Bail: Okay, people, we’ve planned for this. I need everyone to evacuate in an orderly manner toward corridor C10-

[Wheel and Axle sighs dramatically and slowly makes her way toward the door, like someone hoping that a fire alarm will be turned off before they make it very far. The rest of the Machines pile out in a mad dash, knocking each other over at the door frame. There’s a wail from Wedge; evidently, the Porg has taken a chunk out of his arm.]

[Series of cuts between Ahsoka running like an Olympic sprinter and the Machines running like the Four Stooges + Bail dad-jogging + Wheel and Axle not giving a shiiiiit, accompanied by the William Tell Overture. The two groups turn onto opposite ends of the same hallway at the same moment.]

Ahsoka: Bail! Look out!

[Suddenly the scene becomes slo mo as a group of five stormtroopers runs out of a side hallway, cutting off Ahsoka, and begins to fire on Bail and the Machines. A blaster bolt is heading straight for Bail.]

Ahsoka [suuuuper slo mo]: NOOOOOOO-

[At the same moment, Wedge trips on nothing, sending him flying in front of Bail. He instinctively covers his face with his hands, and the blaster bolt hits his overly douchey watch and is reflected toward the firing stormtrooper, who goes down. Ahsoka pulls up short. Another stormtrooper sends a bolt toward Screw, but it is swallowed by his Porg. The Porg breathes a stream of fire out of his mouth, downing another Trooper. Meanwhile, Pulley opens fire on the group, managing to hit a third trooper in the leg. At this point, all the Machines and Bail have taken cover except Wheel and Axle. Wheel and Axle sighs dramatically, puts her phone in her back pocket, and begins walking toward the troopers through their fire a la Rogue One. Ahsoka is still watching, mouth slightly open.]

Bail: Wheel and Axle! Take cover!

Wheel and Axle [walking forward steadily]: Dude. These fucks can’t hit anything. Strictly canon. 

Bail: That’s an order!

[Wheel and Axle keeps walking until she’s directly in front of the stormtroopers, who somehow keep missing her. She yanks the gun out of one’s hands and shoots them both point-blank.]

Wheel and Axle: DAHM! My subconscious is a BADASS!

[Ahsoka shakes her head comically, then seems to recover and spits out her gum on the floor.]

Ahsoka: Everyone! To the Space Impala! 

[The William Tell Overture recommences as the team runs back toward the ship, Ahsoka carving a path through the advancing army, and Pulley bringing up the rear, firing shots random enough to deter any stormtrooper. The camera follows the team as they run up the ship’s ramp, then the door closes, and the camera follows the ship as it peaces the hell out into hyperspace.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Brief shot of Bail sitting at a desk in a cabin on the Space Impala before the door bangs open and Ahsoka enters. Bail jumps about a foot.]

Bail: Ah! What do you want?

Ahsoka [concealing something behind her back]: DUDE!

Bail [muttering apparently too quietly for Ahsoka to hear]: Please don’t kill me!

Ahsoka [revealing a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, and plopping down on the other side of the desk]: Why didn’t you tell me these idiots are Force sensitive?!

Bail: ...wait-

Ahsoka: NOW I see why you were so set on this team. You wanted to give me a chance to redeem myself, or build the next generation, or something. [She pours two glasses of whiskey, downs them both, then pours another two and slides one to Bail.] Well, fuck that. But you hand me that much raw power, THAT I can work with. And Wheel and Axle! Damn! I haven’t seen anything that brave and simultaneously stupid since - well - [sobers suddenly and trails off].

Bail [seeming to struggle with himself]: Ahsoka, I mean… I’m pretty sure they’re not Force sensitive.

Ahsoka [scoffing]: Sure. And Wedge saved your life with an off-brand Rolex because…?

Bail: I mean, their midichlorian counts are all-

Ahsoka [sudden laughing / coughing fit]: Oh, that’s adorable. 

[Bail looks confused.]

Bail: Look, I’ve been… uh, doing some thinking. About what you said.

Ahsoka: Wait-

Bail: You’re right. I can’t just throw these new recruits into the Rebellion without thinking of the larger implications. They’re going to need a sergeant. Someone who can give the Machines his undivided attention so that you can focus on - um - officer things. 

Ahsoka [suddenly panicked again]: Wait, I really don’t think that adding MORE people to this team will-

Bail: Plus, you and your team will have to find a new Rebel Base. I have to be back on Coruscant ASAP, so you’ll need all the help you can get.

Ahsoka: Um-

Bail: I’d like you to meet your new liason officers. 

[A door opens behind Bail, revealing a silhouette of a tall man with an odd growth on his shoulder. The man steps into the light. He’s wearing a Secret Service-looking suit and sunglasses, and the growth on his shoulder appears to be a sock puppet.

Bail: Fulcrum, may I introduce John Smith and Mr. Fizzles.

John: Guten Tag, General Tano.

BLACKOUT


	3. 1.03 SubNatural

Scene opens with Ahsoka in the cockpit of the Space Impala and various Machines sticking their heads through the door, looking concerned.

Ahsoka: I know you guys are back there. I AM force sensitive.

Pulley (tentatively): Sorry to bother you, sir. But, uh… where are we going?

Ahsoka: Same place we were going two hours ago. Our New Rebel Base. 

Wheel and Axle: Well, it seems like you’re just flying planet to planet and getting all pissy if they don’t have an active coffee trade.

Ahsoka: Hey! I liked that grass planet, but Screw said those squirrel cat things gave him anxiety.

Screw (mumbling): They’d come after Porg. 

Inclined Plane: I thought the Faraday cage planet was kind of nice-

Wheel and Axle: If I don’t have WiFi, I will burn this ship to the ground.

Ahsoka: Ooh, here’s one! (Swerves, sending the Machines toppling over each other)

The ship lands on a grassy knoll. The sun is screaming.

Ahsoka: Well, that’s a nope-

Ship takes off again.

Wedge: *huffily* if you were a real citizen of the Internet you would use craigslist. 

Ahsoka: Fuck craigslist. That place is fucking toxic. 

(Flashback: Ahsoka is handing a wad of money to an alien. The Space Kia is in the background. As soon as the deed changes hands, the hood starts smoking and one of the tires pops. The alien laughs maniacally.)

Wedge: Well, I guess my ideas are just terrible.

No one corrects him.

Screw: Hey, what happened to the new guy? He seemed super chill. Although the man-in-black guy he was with seemed a bit weird.

Ahsoka: they’re gathering intel for our next vital mission in liberating- oh, I don’t know. They fucked off somewhere.

(Flashback to Ahsoka driving John and Mr. Fizzles off the ship at lightsaber point.)

Ahsoka: UGH. Three hours driving aimlessly, and we still haven’t found a classy yet affordable 6 bedroom planet. This universe is bullshit. Wedge, get me a coffee.

Wedge: We’re out of beans, milady.

Wheel and Axle mouths “no we’re not.” Wedge winks, and Wheel and Axle shrugs.

Ahsoka (low roar of frustration): Fine! Pulley, Google Maps me to the nearest Starbucks. 

TITLE SEQUENCE: “Shades of Gray” by Billy Joel [Feels like the title sequence is *almost* to the originally edited version]

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
Shots of hastily scribbled notes and conspiracy boards. Contains things like “Simple machines???” (circled several times) as well as various improbable-looking heist plans

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
More shots of conspiracy boards with Ahsoka’s face plastered on them and “Lever??” circled several times. Camera follows that yarn/pin thing conspiracy boards always use to pictures of John and Fizzles circled with “Nazi??” circled several times.

Instrumental bridge. Silhouette of Ahsoka, John, Fizzles and Bail grouped together. Zoom out.

[All of the main characters have a Firefly-esque feature, a still of their face while footage of them being awesome plays]

Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth  
Ahsoka “Fulcrum” Tano feature. Footage of her being generally awesome - basic lightsaber and dexterity check stuff.

No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth  
Bail “Fingerguns” Organa feature. Footage of him being a cool dad.

These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for  
John Smith feature. Footage of him kicking major ass / people “committing suicide” in his general vicinity.

My faith is falling away; I'm not that sure anymore  
Mr. Fizzles feature. Footage of him kicking as much ass as a sock can. He stares silently at a villainish rogue as the rogue bursts into tears and runs away.

Instrumental. Zoom out to all four in cool poses wearing sunglasses. Pulley crosses the screen eating a snack and slips and falls. The gang simultaneously facepalm.

[All of the Machines do not have Firefly esque credits because their features are very short. However, all their names are animated based on the function of their namesake machine.]

Shades of grey wherever I go  
Pulley’s feature; he squirts himself in the face with a water pistol

The more I find out the less that I know  
Screw’s feature; he winks and points finger guns at the camera. Ahsoka (and the viewer) grow suddenly gayer.

Black and white is how it should be  
Wheel and Axle and Wedge feature. W&A stands there angstily, Wedge tries to lean against her casually, she steps away and he falls spectacularly like a Looney Tunes cartoon.

But shades of grey are the colors I see  
Inclined Plane feature. He stands there awkwardly, hands in pockets.

[Skipping to the end of the song] Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
All form together and put on sunglasses. Some team members struggle with this task

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
Visuals skip suddenly. Maybe it was just your WiFi going out.

Outtro guitar. Title card: FULCRUM AND THE MACHINES (Created by Squirrels_All_The_Way_Down)

Last guitar beat. SubNatural.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene reopens with the Space Impala in a strip mall parking lot. In the background of the shot, there appear to be several prison vans with the letters CW stenciled on the side. The Machines are piling out and heading toward the door when Ahsoka’s phone begins playing Soulja Boy.

Ahsoka: Fuck, I need to take this. You guys go on - Pulley, put it on the rebel cell card. And get me a large latte. Extra shot. Hello? 

We get a split screen between Ahsoka and Bail. It’s split diagonally, like in Magic School Bus.

Bail: Yo, whassup.

Ahsoka: I’m kind of busy vetting our new top secret base, actually, so if this can wait-

Bail: No, actually. What’s the deal with you and Agent Smith?

Ahsoka: Listen, we just had a difference of opinion about - wait, his title is Agent? Did you think that one through?

(Bail clearly doesn’t get the joke.)

Ahsoka (sighing): I didn’t think I could trust him, Bail. I sensed a great anger… fear… hate…

Bail: C’mon, I know you guys can’t actually do that sense evil thing. You just use that as an excuse when you don’t like someone.

(Ahsoka looks startled.)

Ahsoka: Well - I didn’t think it was a good idea to just throw him in with the Machines. They’re powerful and impressionable. We need to make sure they’re not being exposed to any bad influences.

(Awkwardly long pause from Bail)

Bail: Right. Well, I’m serious about this guy, Fulcrum. We go back a long way. Months.

Ahsoka: Bail, I gotta put you on hold, I’m getting another call-

[Ahsoka hangs up, leaving half the screen black. Bail looks startled.]

[Cut to a hotel room. John Smith is writing at the desk. Mr. Fizzles is on the edge of the shot, looking at John’s back.]

John [not looking around]: Stop looking at me like that, Fizzles.

[Mr. Fizzles doesn’t move.]

John: Stop it. [Fizzles doesn’t. John turns toward Fizzles.] What do you want, Fizzles?

Fizzles: Why aren’t we on our assigned mission, John?

John: The psychopathic power hungry control freak alien? Present company excepted, of course.

Fizzles: I’m not an alien, John.

[Long pause.]

John: Do you WANT to go back?

Fizzles: We were assigned a mission. Are you not honor-bound to fulfill it?

John: Fizzles, I know when I’m not wanted. If the orange lady - I don’t know - called me up and gave me an order, that would be different. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish this treatise on 1950s grain production in the Fatherland without your eyes on my back.

[Fizzles continues staring. Long pause.]

Fizzles: What are you running from, John?

John: Oh, goddammit. [Gathers stuff and walks out.]

[Cut to inside the Starbucks as the Machines enter. Several tables are occupied by people wearing orange jumpsuits and chained to cannonballs. Inclined Plane and Screw glance around nervously as Pulley and Wedge approach the barista.] 

Inclined Plane: I’m, uh, gonna… you know. [Wanders toward a bathroom.]

Wedge: Good day, madam! We require a cask of your finest stock!

[Barista gives Wedge a bored glare.]

Pulley: Er… what my friend means is… [begins negotiating a 6 person coffee run]

Screw [whispering to Wheel and Axle]: Hey… those guys don’t look very friendly, huh?

Wheel and Axle [on phone]: The lizard guys? Trans-whatsis? Yeah, they’re not great. [In background, a Trandosian kicks the chair out from under one of the prisoners. The prisoner whimpers.]

Screw: Yeah, well - we’re Rebels now! Should we, I dunno… do something about it?

Wheel and Axle [still not looking up]: Do you routinely intervene in the local penal system?

Screw keeps staring at the prisoners, looking guilty and uncomfortable.

Barista: So I have 22 espresso shots distributed into 6 cups.

Wedge: Right. 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, and 17. Oh, and a large latte, leave room. 

Barista [seen worse]: Okay. That’ll be $68.71.

Wedge: You just made that up.

Barista: 

Pulley: C’mon, Wedge, it’s not even your credit card.

[Meanwhile, Inclined Plane opens the door to the bathroom.]

Inclined Plane: Ope! Sorry! [Trying to close the door as quickly as possible] 

Voice: YOU DARE DISTURB THE GREAT- [a fireball rips the door out of Inclined Plane’s hands. He dodges spectacularly.]

Inclined Plane: Uh, I’ll just use the other-

Voice: STAND AND FIGHT, CRETIN! [A shape emerges from the burning wreckage of the door. He seems to be some kind of fire demon.]

[Meanwhile, one of the Trandosian guards has started kicking another prisoner. Not very hard, but you know.]

Screw: Uh, sir? Sir? Uhhhh… 

[In the background, the espresso machine seems to be making an odd hemorrhaging noise. Like maybe it’s signalling to the herd. It’s punctuated by popping and cracking sounds, like a tube in liquid nitrogen.]

Pulley: Uhhhh… is it supposed to do that?

Barista: 

Ahsoka [entering]: Ugggh, commanders, am I-

The espresso machine gives a sudden jerk, and then goes full nuclear. Everything becomes slow mo and a little sepia, and sound effects seem oddly muted. “Death and Destruction” by Weezer starts playing.

I can't say that you love me

Coffee bean shrapnel sprays behind the counter. The barista goes down, a single drop of blood on her expressionless face. 

So I cry, and I'm hurtin'

The walls begin to shake, then to crumble. A piece of rebar sails past Screw and straight through the eye of the Trandoshian he has been harassing. 

Every time that I call you

The collapse of the building has spread to the bathroom. The toilet explodes, dousing the fire demon. He screams and collapses into a pile of ash. 

You find some way to ditch me

Various other action shots of the main room - Trandoshian guards are crushed by falling walls, scalded by flying lattes, etc. The music fades as the dust settles. Time and color saturation return to normal. A slightly damp and singed Inclined Plane emerges from the hallway, looking dazed. The Machines look on, dumbstruck, as some of the prisoners (the ones not crushed by structural supports) stand up and brush themselves off. 

[Dawning realization that all the guards are dead]

Prisoner 1: We’re… we’re free!

Prisoner 2: We’ll never write another page again!

Wheel and Axle [looking out the broken window to the CW vans]: Oh no. Uh, Fulcrum?

Ahsoka: What?

Wheel and Axle: I think we just made a bigger problem.

Prisoner 3 [running through a broken window with the other prisoners close behind]: No more eating lettuce through the bars of a dog crate!

Prisoner 1: I’ll see my children again!

Wheel and Axle: WHAT FORCES HAVE WE UNLEASHED THIS DAY?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[The Machines and Ahsoka are sitting around one of the surviving tables.]

Ahsoka: Okay, let me get this straight. There’s a show that’s been going for 15 seasons?

Wheel and Axle: Right. And we just set the writers free.

Ahsoka: No, I got that part. But like… 15 seasons. Wow. 

Wedge [seeming to snap Ahsoka out of a reverie]: Your coffee, milady commander. 

Ahsoka [clearly not paying attention who she’s talking to]: Thanks.

Pulley [whispering]: Wait, was that-

Wedge: *Nonchalantly* I think it only got to 11 shots. 

Pulley whistles. 

Screw [looking guiltily at the pile of bodies]: I feel like we should at least tell someone what happened, you know?

Ahsoka: Yeah, I mean, maybe we can get some reward money. If they have a “dead or alive” thing going. ...Just call me the Breaker of Chains, amirite?

Wheel and Axle: Too soon.

Pulley [examining a dog tag]: Well, this gives a return address, so…

Ahsoka: Excellent. [Sips coffee] ...hmm. That has a… huh. [Sips again] Oddly good. Too bad this place will get demolished, I guess. [Exits, the Machines trailing behind]

[Meanwhile, John is swimming (backstroke) laps in what appears to be a hotel pool. Except the pool is shaped like a swastika. This inefficient pool design is actually quite good for laps. Fizzles is looking on from a beach chair.]

Fizzles: What are you running from, John?

John: I’M SWIMMING, FIZZLES. [Also John is wearing a full body swimsuit.]

Fizzles [long pause]: What are you swimming from, John?

John: OMIGOD DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

Fizzles:

John: Go… steal a cookie from the concierge desk, or something.

Fizzles: I don’t eat, John.

[Shot of the Space Impala landing in an empty trailer space in a back lot of what looks suspiciously like a Vancouver television studio.]

Ahsoka [jumping to the ground off the exit ramp]: Yeah! Get some reward money! Let’s GO!

The rest of the Machines emerge more hesitantly.

Screw: Uhh… is anyone even here?

Ahsoka [addressing the parking lot]: HELLO? Dude, I feel great! That coffee was AMAZING. I gotta figure out where those beans came from. 

As the Machines hesitantly investigate, Pulley finds a door slightly open. 

Pulley: Hey, guys?

Ahsoka: YEAH! Let’s GO!

Shot from the inside of the hallway as Ahsoka enters, followed cautiously by the Machines. It’s dim with red emergency lighting and the occasional rat corpse (straight up horror movie shit)

Ahsoka: WOO-HOO!

Pulley: Um, sir?

Suddenly, klaxons start sounding, and strobe lights begin flashing through the hallway.

Computer voice: INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!

Pulley: That doesn’t sound good.

Ahsoka shrugs, looking unconcerned. The party turns a corner. At the end of the hallway are large arch-shaped wooden doors, like the kind on old churches.

Ahsoka: Oh, sweet!

Ahsoka opens the door and walks through. As the door swings toward the camera, carvings on the paneling come into focus - they show television crew members in various states of distress - writers using the blood from gaping wounds as ink, costume designers sewing what appears to be human skins, etc. Shot of where Ahsoka walked through the door; there is only a shimmering blackness. The Machines hesitate.

Screw: Should we - um-

Wheel and Axle: Well, I’d rather die and wake up than hang out here with a bunch of dead rodents. [She enters. The blackness shimmers and she disappears]

The rest of the Machines glance around.

Inclined Plane: Oh, fuck it. [The Machines collectively walk in]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene opens with a shot over the backs of the characters. They’re standing in a circular room lit with a dim yellow glow. In front of them are a line of seven figures wearing dark robes and hoods pulled down over their faces.

Ahsoka [seeming to realize for the first time that the aesthetic is a little off]: Um. Hi. 

Voice [emanating from all directions; the figures don’t move]: Have you brought the writers?

Ahsoka: Well, actually, we wanted to let you know - there was an accident -

Voice: We have sensed this. The cataclysm. The shifting of the winds. Are you the writer?

Ahsoka: Uh, no-

The figure in the middle of the line moves faster than the eye can follow, sending Force lightning at Ahsoka. She catches it on her lightsaber, but only barely.

Ahsoka: What the fuck-

Wheel and Axle [pushing past]: Omigod if someone asks you if you’re a writer - okay, guys, WE’RE writers. Sorry for the confusion.

Voice: And you defeated the former writers in honorable combat. We have sensed this.

Wheel and Axle: I don’t know if you’d call death by espresso machine honorable, but-

Voice: And so you have become the new writers. Congratulations. You begin immediately.

Wheel and Axle [immediately fangirling]: Wait - for Supernatural? You want us to write? Really? Omigod-

Ahsoka: Wait, hold up! These are MY people! They already HAVE jobs, working for me!

Voice [sounding confused]: Wait - your writers? Are you a producer?

Wheel and Axle gives Ahsoka a significant look. Ahsoka rubs a lightning burn on her wrist.

Ahsoka: Uh - yes.

Voice: Well, why didn’t you say so?

As the voice speaks, the room begins to change, becoming brighter as the walls break into panels, rotate, and shift. The cloaks slide from the figures and appear to flow into the floor. The gang is left in a normal-looking conference room with seven normal-looking business people. The man in the center looks young and particularly startup-douchey.

Man [shaking Ahsoka’s hand]: Dude! Welcome to the team! Let me show you to your offices. 

Man leads Ahsoka out of the conference room, letting the Machines trail behind. The hallway looks like the same size and shape as before, but it’s clean and brightly lit.

Man: And I never introduced myself! I’m Chad. I’m the head producer here.

Ahsoka: Ahsoka. Uhh… freelance producer.

When Chad says his name, Wedge makes a lunge toward the front of the group, but Pulley grabs him and holds him back. Chad doesn’t seem to notice. 

Chad: ...and this is the rec room. Through here you’ll find office spaces for all of you - feel free to throw out whatever’s in there, or keep it, we don’t care. And lastly-

Chad pushes open a door and suddenly assumes an awkward eager voice, like what you’d use to address a puppy.

Chad: Aristophanes! We brought some people to meet you!

Ahsoka and co file into the room. It’s another conference room, but windowless. At the end of a long table is a monkey wearing a shirt and tie, smoking a cigar, and typing furiously on a vintage typewriter. He squawks but doesn’t look up.

Chad [conspiratorially and still in puppy voice]: Aristophanes is our main creative consultant. I’m sure you’ll come to rely on him as much as our past writers did. 

Wheel and Axle: Uh, not likely. [Exiting] I call corner office!

The rest of the Machines, sensing a need to participate in Dibs, begin to pile out of the room.

Chad: Wait, which one of you killed Phil? We sensed his defeat as well.

Ahsoka: Phil? [The Machines look nervous.]

Chad: You know, Phil. Really into climbing. Played a great Fortnite game. Bout seven feet tall, usually on fire?

Ahsoka looks confused, but Inclined Plane shifts uncomfortably.

Inclined Plane: Um… that was me, I guess.

Chad: Sweet, that makes you our pyrotechnics engineer now. Kind of a relief, actually; Phil was always a bit of a dick. All right, that basically covers the tour! If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to give me a call. Otherwise, the producers’ gym is in subbasement 5 - mandatory lifting sessions at 8 every morning - happy hour starts at 4, and the script for 16.01 is due on Friday.

Chad nods swiftly, then disappears, leaving a startled looking Ahsoka.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Ahsoka: Guys? Um- [enters writers offices. The Machines have already wreaked havoc, pulling out drawers, stealing packs of sticky notes, shoving furniture around, etc. The Porg is jumping on a sofa in the common area.] Guys? GUYS! HEY! [The Machines look up guiltily] What are you people doing?

Wheel and Axle: Uh, living my best life?

Wedge: Hey, you were the one who was all concerned with getting a base. Well, got it!

Ahsoka: This is NOT our new base. We told them their writers were dead or whatever. Now let’s get-

[Ahsoka is interrupted by a sudden earthquake. The Machines minus Wheel and Axle dive under a nearby conference table. The Porg squawks.]

Ahsoka: Right, even more reason to get out of here. Let’s-

[Blood begins running down the walls. Through the window, a mountain begins smoking ominously. Aristophanes enters, yelling at Ahsoka in Monkey.]

Ahsoka [looking nervous]: Okay, okay, I get it, jeez! And [to Aristophanes] if you want to stay in this country, learn the language.

[Aristophanes flips Ahsoka off and exits.] 

Ahsoka [collapsing onto the sofa and nearly crushing the Porg]: All right. New base. ...ugh. All of a sudden… I just feel… would one of you fucks get me a drink?

Screw pulls a Natty Lite out of a pocket that really didn’t look like it contained a Natty Lite.

Ahsoka: I mean - oh, whatever. [Sips Natty in a sudden onset state of moroseness. Her hand is shaking badly.]

Pulley: Uh, sir? Are you okay?

Ahsoka: I feel like SHIT. Must be your guys’s ambient mediocrity. ...I gotta get me some more of that coffee.

Wedge gives Wheel and Axle a significant look.

Wheel and Axle [stage whispering]: No one tell her about cocaine.

Wedge snorts. Wheel and Axle seems to remember that’s she’s not supposed to acknowledge Wedge’s existence and quickly looks down at her phone.

Cut to John - he’s sitting cross-legged on the hotel room bed looking at a large bound book. Fizzles enters.

Fizzles: Oh, sorry, John. I didn’t mean to-

John [wiping his eyes roughly]: No, it’s just- dusty.

Fizzles: Is that…

John [nods]: A compendium of Black Forest photography from 1932 to 1947. [Shot over John’s shoulder shows a lot of grainy black and white trees.]

Fizzles: Ah.

John: You know, Fizzles… I’ve been thinking…

Fizzles, sensing a Convo, scrambles up onto the other bed like some unholy wollen slug and then stares silently at John.

John: Well. Bail seemed so sure his team wanted someone with my… skill set. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Maybe the crazy orange chick was… testing my combat skills. 

Fizzles:

John: And it’s not like I have anything better to do.

Fizzles:

John: Well?

Fizzles: I cannot tell you what to do, John.

John: Hold on, you’ve spent the past-

Fizzles: I can only say that this is the path for which you have always been destined.

John: Wait -

Fizzles: Or maybe a passing self-driving car has clouded my view of the future and you’re destined to die in the dumpster in the parking lot.

John: 

Fizzles: Or maybe I’m just fucking with you. Anyway, I’m off to steal more of those concierge cookies; want one? You were right; they’re delicious.

John [beat]: Aw, you got me again! [Gives Fizzles an affectionate noogie as he exits.] Ya little scamp.

Chuckling to himself, John reaches for the phone, but it rings just before he can touch it.

John: Hall- [coughing] I mean, hello?

[Back to diagonal split screen with Ahsoka, who is lying on a couch with her eyes closed]

Ahsoka: Agent Smith? Yeah? Damn, we gotta workshop that name. It’s General Tano. That thing with the lightsabers was just a test. You passed. Congrats. Long story short, we found a new rebel base, and you better report here ASAP. It’s kind of a co-op deal. 

John: You found a co-op rebel base?

Ahsoka: Yeah, apparently we’re writing television, and in exchange they won’t report us to the Galactic Empire.

John: The what? [As Ahsoka is talking, the blood on the walls begins running again]

Ahsoka [to the blood, and drowning out John’s question]: Oh, shut up! Okay, I’m sending you the coordinates now. I’ll expect you here in t minus five minutes ago. Ciao. 

Split screen slides away, revealing Mr. Fizzles in the doorway, a cookie hanging out of his mouth. He looks suspicious. 

John: All right, Fizzles. Pack your things. [John begins taking clothes out of drawers and putting them in a large black suitcase. Fizzles squirms a little when John takes out a pile of socks.]

Fizzles: Did I hear… something about television?

John: Yes. New rebel base. Now let’s get going.

Fizzles: John, I don’t mean… Um… I just have a bad feeling-

John [laughing]: C’mon, you rascal. Once per day is enough. 

Beat as John, suddenly energetic, continues packing, and Fizzles looks more and more concerned, almost seeming to shrink in on himself.

John [optimistically, but as the camera changes focus onto Fizzle’s worried face]: This mission is going to be much more complicated than we expected.

BLACKOUT


	4. Episode 1.04: The Office

The office breakroom. John is sitting at the table and staring intently at the wall. There’s a half-eaten microwave burrito in front of him. Ahsoka enters.

Ahsoka: Hey.

John [not breaking eye contact with the wall]: Hey.

Ahsoka takes the empty coffee pot out of the machine and shakes it as if expecting more coffee to appear. 

Interview Ahsoka: One thing I don’t miss about having a crew. No one wants to take responsibility for the coffee pot. Pretty sure Anakin deliberately got abducted by Dooku one time just to keep from washing the damn thing out.

Ahsoka: How’s your day been?

Interview John: [SCREAM OF EXISTENTIAL ANGST]

John: Not what I imagined it would be back in Basic. You?

Interview Ahsoka: [HARMONIZING SCREAM OF EXISTENTIAL ANGST]

Ahsoka: All right. We got that depot on Tantin IV taken care of. New strategy, by the way: Tell Inclined Plane you DON’T want the target blown up. He’s sitting at about 25% accuracy right now.

Interview Ahsoka: Who, Smith? Well, he’s good at what he does, that’s for sure. Seems a bit cut off, though. And I don’t know… old fashioned?

Ahsoka replaces the pot and starts rummaging through the cabinets.

Ahsoka: We got any more coffee?

John: Would I look like this if we did?

Interview John: Tano reminds me of a lot of young officers I’ve known. Young, hardworking, idealistic. They’re all dead now.

Ahsoka: Shit. AND we’re running out of Napalm. Thank God Wheel and Axle agreed to write that script; I can maybe get six hours of sleep tonight.

John: I didn’t know Wheel and Axle was a writer.

Interview Wheel and Axle: Yeah, I consider myself a professional writer. 

Ahsoka: She said she’d written a lot for something called Wattpad? We really lucked up with having her on the team; this means I can focus on the real missions for the Rebellion.

Interview Wheel and Axle: I think the really compelling thing about Supernatural is just the RAW EMOTION, you know? It’s so refreshing to have emotional complexity treated explicitly - it makes it very REAL. So much about modern culture is fake, you know, like a pale dilution of true humanity. I’m really looking forward to being able to contribute to that reality, to really add something to the TRUTH OF THE UNIVERSE.

John: Huh. 

Interview Wheel and Axle: And by raw emotion, I mean the deep, romantic, sexual, and very literal relationship between Dean and Castiel.

Ahsoka: Anyway, who needs coffee if work is all out of the way? [Pulls out a joint]

John: Whoa - is that a… marijuana?

Interview John: NOT what I was expecting.

Ahsoka: Dude, have you never smoked before?

John: Well… MY military was a little bit more hardassed, I guess.

Interview Ahsoka [laughing]: Talk about out of touch…

Ahsoka [lighting up]: C’mon, take a hit. Help a brother out.

John: Well, I guess if we’re done for the day… [accepts joint]

Interview Wheel and Axle: I guess I’d say it’s my singular mission in life to canonize Destiel.

Ahsoka: Thank God it’s Friday.

TITLE SEQUENCE: “Shades of Gray” by Billy Joel [Finally, the full title sequence as God originally intended.]

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
Shots of hastily scribbled notes and conspiracy boards. Contains things like “Simple machines???” (circled several times) as well as various improbable-looking heist plans

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
More shots of conspiracy boards with Ahsoka’s face plastered on them and “Lever??” circled several times. Camera follows that yarn/pin thing conspiracy boards always use to pictures of John and Fizzles circled with “Nazi??” circled several times.

Instrumental bridge. Silhouette of Ahsoka, John, Fizzles and Bail grouped together. Zoom out.

[All of the main characters have a Firefly-esque feature, a still of their face while footage of them being awesome plays]

Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth  
Ahsoka “Fulcrum” Tano feature. Footage of her being generally awesome - basic lightsaber and dexterity check stuff.

No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth  
Bail “Fingerguns” Organa feature. Footage of him being a cool dad.

These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for  
John Smith feature. Footage of him kicking major ass / people “committing suicide” in his general vicinity.

My faith is falling away; I'm not that sure anymore  
Mr. Fizzles feature. Footage of him kicking as much ass as a sock can. He stares silently at a villainish rogue as the rogue bursts into tears and runs away.

Instrumental. Zoom out to all four in cool poses wearing sunglasses. Pulley crosses the screen eating a snack and slips and falls. The gang simultaneously facepalm.

[All of the machines do not have Firefly-esque credits because their features are very short. However, all their names are animated based on the function of their namesake machine.]

Shades of grey wherever I go  
Pulley’s feature; he squirts himself in the face with a water pistol

The more I find out the less that I know  
Screw’s feature; he winks and points finger guns at the camera. Ahsoka (and the viewer) grow suddenly gayer.

Black and white is how it should be  
Wheel and Axle and Wedge feature. W&A stands there angstily, Wedge tries to lean against her casually, she steps away and he falls spectacularly like a Looney Tunes cartoon.

But shades of grey are the colors I see  
Inclined Plane feature. He stands there awkwardly, hands in pockets.

[Skipping to the end of the song] Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
All form together and put on sunglasses. Some team members struggle with this task

Ba ba baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Ba ba Baduwa Taa!  
Aristophanes (already wearing sunglasses) hops into frame and onto Ahsoka’s shoulder, smoking a cigar and scribbling notes on his next famous play. Jensen, Jared, and Misha wander in looking lost and join the group. Credits read: “Also starring Aristophanes, Jansan, Jerad, and Mesho.”

Outtro guitar. Title card: FULCRUM AND THE MACHINES (Created by Squirrels_All_The_Way_Down)

Last guitar beat. The Office.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Crawl: TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Ahsoka is sitting on the sofa and giggling quietly. John is squatting on his chair and looking around frantically.

John: ARE THERE WINDOWS IN THIS ROOM?

Ahsoka [still giggling]: How can there be windows if walls aren’t real?

Interview Ahsoka: I mean, what are walls, right? What are walls.

John: CUZ WINDOWS ARE HOW THE SNIPERS GETCHA

Interview John: Have YOU ever seen someone get sniped? YEAH. That’s what I THOUGHT.

Ahsoka: Smith Smith Smith. Duuuuude. Chiiiiiill. 

Brief pause as John checks under his chair for snipers.

Ahsoka: Dude, have you ever really looked at colors? Because I’m looking at colors right now… and it’s like they’re all rotated 15 degrees counterclockwise, you know what I mean? Dude?

John: That’s just what they WANT you to think. So you won’t know that the WORLD got rotated 15 degrees CLOCKWISE.

Ahsoka: Duuuuude...

Interview Ahsoka [trying to sit up, then thinking better of it]: All I want to know is who rotated all the colors.

John: TANO. SNIPERS. HAVE YOU SEEN THEM. BEFORE.

Ahsoka: All the fucking time dude.

John [looking around]: WHERE ARE THEY?

Ahsoka: I remember this one time - [starts laughing hysterically, recovers] - this one time, I was standing next to this guy, and HE GOT SNIPED.

John: WHOA.

Interview John: That’s REAL. DAMN.

Ahsoka: Yeah, and the REALLY funny thing is [laughing again] he was like, one of the only people I ever cared about. And he died like RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Super fucked up. [Giggles]

John: Fuuuuuck.

Ahsoka: Turns out he wasn’t dead though.

John: Oh. Well, that’s a relief. [Seems to relax.]

Ahsoka: But then he died again.

John: OH GOD NO. [Pulls tablecloth off the table and begins to make himself into a burrito.]

Cut to a shot over Wheel and Axle’s shoulder. She’s typing and muttering to herself. Visible on the screen: Dean and Cas survey a lawn covered in pink plastic flamingos. According to the sign it’s Jim Bob’s 40th birthday. Dean: BUT WHICH ONE IS SAM? Cas: Just take all of them; we’ll figure it out later! [A shotgun cocks, Jim Bob has appeared on his front porch.]

Interview Wheel and Axle: I think I’m really hitting my stride on this script. I think we’ve got a good situation worked out. Fulcrum can do the dystopian sabotage, I can write the ships, everybody wins. 

Ahsoka: Yo, dude. Smith. You. Yeah. Did I ever tell you about the War?

John: What war? Where’s the war?

Interview Ahsoka: The massive interplanetary conflict that plunged the galaxy into economic turmoil and political chaos. Like, Jesus.

Ahsoka: No, like, THE War.

John: Oh, that War.

Interview John: Weird. I guess I forgot that the Tortugas or whatever were in the War. Maybe they were all stationed in North Africa. I must have missed that part. [Dives to floor; is not sniped; recovers] Just one of those things you’d think I’d remember, right?

Ahsoka [laughing]: I shouldn’t tell you this.

John: Tell me tell me tell me!

Ahsoka: Nope!

John [pounding on the floor with his fists]: TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME-

Ahsoka: Okay okay okay. [Laughing more] Pinky promise you won’t tell?

John: INDEX FINGER PROMISE.

Ahsoka: I did some REAL bad shit in the War. You know?

John: Nope.

Ahsoka: Definitely have some long standing guilt there. 

John: You know, it’s weird you say that, because-

Ahsoka: I mean I didn’t go around murdering civilians, but like… what were you going to say?

John: Me? Nothing!

Ahsoka: Duuuuuude whaaaaaaat

John: SNIPER ATTACK! [Dives under table again]

Wheel and Axle [muttering to herself as she types]: Cas: Dean, there’s no time! You know what the gypsy woman said! Jim Bob: IF YOU FUCKS DON’T GET OFF MY LAWN I SWEAR TO SWEET BABY JESUS- Dean: You want to make out in a field of lawn flamingos in front of a likely homophobic quadragenarian with a rifle? Cas: IT’S NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT, DEAN-

Interview Wheel and Axle: I’m really looking forward to seeing what Fulcrum thinks about this episode.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Return to the break room. Ahsoka's lying on her back on the sofa, pointing at the ceiling and chuckling. John is running from corner to corner looking for a place to hide from the snipers.

Ahsoka: Smith, there are DOTS on the ceiling. DOTS. [Laughs hysterically]

Wheel and Axle enters with script in hand.

Wheel and Axle: Fulcrum, I'm just about to give this to producti- what the fuck is going on.

John: ARE YOU ONE OF THEM?

Wheel and Axle: one of who?

John: The snipers! The aliens! The alien snipers! 

Wheel and Axle: No. I can see you guys are BUSY so I'll just-

Ahsoka [flaps a hand in the direction of the script]: No no no I wanna read it.

John [suddenly serious]: Dude, have you smoked a pot before? It's CRAAAAZY. [Offers her the leftover half joint]

Interview Wheel and Axle: You know what the absolute worst thing in the whole goddamn universe is? Adults trying to be cool.

Ahsoka: YOU CAN'T GIVE THE CHILD DRUGS SMITH. Don't do drugs, child.

Interview Wheel and Axle: You may be like, ‘wait, Wheel and Axle, what about global poverty? Isn't that worse?’ To which I say, would we HAVE global poverty if adults didn't try to be cool? Ever think about that? No. I didn't think so. 

Wheel and Axle: Do you want to read the script or what?

Ahsoka: YES. Put it in my hand.

Wheel and Axle walks across the room and puts the script in Ahsoka's hand. She doesn't grab it and it falls to the floor. Ahsoka starts laughing again. 

Ahsoka: I can't move my arms dude! Dude dude dude. Put it in my hand and then clench my fingers shut.

Wheel and Axle complies.

Ahsoka: Now move my arm in front of my face.

John [from the corner where he is crouching]: DRUGS ARE BAD!

Interview Wheel and Axle: ...do they not see me right now?

The only part of Ahsoka that is moving is her eyes, which are flying across the pages. She calls “FLIP!” about every 2 seconds and has finished reading in the time it takes for John to find the coffee grounds in the coffee pot and start chewing on them experimentally. 

Interview John: You ever think about how much food gets wasted? Take this, for instance. [Holds up coffee grounds, takes a big handful, begins chewing] Delicious AND nutritious.

When Ahsoka finishes reading, she gives Wheel and Axle a long, hard look and pulls out her space phone.

Wheel and Axle: Well… did you like it?

Still looking at Wheel and Axle, Ahsoka hits the Emergency Team Assemble button. Klaxons sound through the hallway.

Wheel and Axle: Tough crowd.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene opens back in the break room. Ahsoka is sitting at the head of the table; the Machines, John, Fizzles, and Aristophanes are also there. John is still in burrito form.

Ahsoka: All right, people. And sock. And monkey. We have a bit of a crisis. 

Interview Ahsoka: The REAL crisis is that I'm coming off this high. And lemme tell you, this script is not any better sober.

Inclined Plane: is this about the TNT and that one village on the forest planet? Because I said I was sorry.

Ahsoka [sighs]: No. This is about our script. We've got t minus 2 hours before our meeting with production, and we've got nothing.

Wheel and Axle: We HAVE a complete script. YOU just don't like it. 

Interview Wheel and Axle: You know, it's true what they say. Genius is never appreciated in its own time.

Ahsoka: That's true. But as your commanding officer and someone who uses the Internet, I literally cannot let this thing become canon. 

Aristophanes climbs onto the table holding his random word generator. 

Ahsoka: Thanks, Aristophanes, but I don't think that's going to help. Honestly, you don't have to really be at this meeting. If you want to go back to your home or zoo or whatever, that's fine.

Aristophanes looks deeply hurt and harumphs.

Fizzles: He says he's been guiding the creative process on this show for 15 years, and a bunch of meddling aliens aren't going to make him stop now.

Interview Aristophanes: [Makes a bunch of angry monkey noises. Subtitles are not provided.] 

Pulley [flipping through the script]: Sir, I don't think this thing is all bad. I mean, the dialogue is pretty decent. And I'd say we could keep all of the heart to heart driving sequence on page 7.

Ahsoka: Okay. That's a starting point. We'll keep the first bit with the cursed party store and the flamingo transformation, but I'm sorry, the Destiel stuff has to go. 

Aristophanes hits some buttons on his device and shows Ahsoka. 

Ahsoka: Twelfth Night? No, absolutely not.

Interview Ahsoka: Christ, no wonder this show is tanking. Who the fuck would think a Shakespeare allegory would be a good idea? 

Screw [pointing to the leftover half joint on the table]: You going to finish that? 

Ahsoka: How old are you?

Screw: Uh… 21.

Ahsoka: Go for it.

Interview Screw: Look, okay, I'm twenty. Well, almost twenty. But I get really anxious in big groups like this, and I do have a prescription back on Rhodia, so…

Mr. Fizzles: How about mistaken identity? Dean and Cas go home with the wrong flamingo? And the Sam flamingo washes up on the shore of a distant kingdom? 

Ahsoka: Yeah, okay! You go write those pages and meet us back here in 90 minutes. 

Interview Aristophanes: [throws hands in the air and looks exasperated.]

Mr. Fizzles: But how will the episode end?

Ahsoka: We'll worry about that. Just… get Sam into some sort of predicament; we'll write him out of it; we'll smooth over the edges later.

Mr. Fizzles: Okay…

As Mr. Fizzles exits, Wheel and Axle casually shuts the break room door and shoves her jacket in the crack. 

Ahsoka: Okay, team. How does flamingo Sam find his way home from the distant island kingdom?

John: ...You got any more of those marijuanas? 

Ahsoka [throws him a glasses case; John opens it to find three more joints]: Knock yourself out.

Interview Ahsoka: I swear, it's always the guys with the sticks farthest up their butts. Once they start unwinding, they don't know when to stop.

Ahsoka turns to the “community whiteboard” and starts drawing a map of an island. She taps the board impatiently.

Ahsoka: What if… there’s a volcano in the North-

She turns back around to find that the machines and John have lit ALL the joints and are passing them around. Aristophanes is sitting with his arms folded and looking disapproving.

Ahsoka: SERIOUSLY?

John offers her his joint. 

Ahsoka: I’m done. SOMEONE needs to stay sober for the MEETING WITH PRODUCTION.

Wheel and Axle looks significantly at the clouds of smoke gathering near the ceiling; Ahsoka apparently doesn’t notice.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Return to the breakroom. The entire crew (except Wheel and Axle, whose tolerance is WAY higher than this) is incredibly baked. Whiteboard markers are everywhere. Incoherent nonsense is written all over the board. Smoke clouds are pretty thick at this point.] 

Wedge has discovered John’s half eaten microwave burrito and is gnawing on it. Pulley leans over.

Pulley: Dude, you might not want to eat that. I’m pretty sure it’s been there since Monday.

Wedge: LEMMEALONE

Pulley looks affronted.

Wedge: *mumbles* Fuckin’ Chad. [Munches on the burrito. It does have some interesting colors to it.]

Ahsoka: (clearly exhausted) Okay, so after Sam has to beat Zombie Beethoven in DDR… now what?

Aristophanes: [shows Ahsoka his device; it reads “common symbols in Christian allegory”]

Ahsoka: That’s totally irrelevant and also weirdly specific. Please, if you have nothing of substance to contribute, don’t interrupt the rest of us.

Interview Aristophanes: [Takes a long pull from his flask and stares silently at the camera]

Inclined Plane: Duuuude… I can’t understand you… because your mouth is on your forehead.

Ahsoka: Maybe you should lie down, Inclined Plane.

Interview Inclined Plane: [Stares intently at a point just above the camera]

Screw: We should switch back to Dean and Cas, who are still trapped in the sorority party-

Wedge: Ooh! Ghoul srat chicks! 

Interview Wedge: They’d be TOTAL whores. I hope they die.

Screw [shudders]: Absolutely not. Sorority girls are terrifying enough.

Interview Inclined Plane [holding hand slightly above the table]: How close am I to the table right now?

Ahsoka: Yeah… that’s a fantastic idea, actually. [Giggles feebly] Screw, you go write those pages.

Screw shambles off. He exaggeratedly maneuvers around the table, then trips over a chair leg and sprawls onto the sofa. He then tries to pass this off as intentional.

Interview Screw: I think the real trick to writing is to draw inspiration from your own life, you know? ...Not that any of this is based on a true story.

Ahsoka [speaking weirdly slowly]: You know, I was just looking at that fly on the ceiling… and thinking about fish imagery in Christian allegory for some reason… and I thought…. FLY FISHING. Wheel and Axle, has this show done fly fishing before?

Wheel and Axle: Um. No. 

Ahsoka: Yeah yeah yeah! We take the stupid ship shit on pages 8 through 9-

Wheel and Axle: Excuse me? That was some of my finest creative-

Ahsoka: And recast it into a fly fishing scene!

Wedge: Heheheh “recast”

Ahsoka looks at him blankly.

Wheel and Axle: ... Can I keep the same dialogue?

Ahsoka: Subtext only.

Wheel and Axle [rolling eyes]: Fine.

Cut to the resultant SN episode. Dean and Cas are sitting by a stream (leaving room for Jesus).  
Cas [staring at Dean intently]: I just.... never knew fly fishing could be so beautiful.  
Cut back to break room.

Ahsoka [wanders toward wall and slowly lies down on the floor for no apparent reason]: But… we still need Sam to un-flamingo….

Inclined Plane [standing in front of the table and looking freaked out]: No, seriously, guys, how close am I to the table right now.

Interview Inclined Plane [laughing]: AM I IN THE TABLE RIGHT NOW?

John [has blanket pulled over his nose and doesn’t appear to be paying any attention to the conversation]: ….Nnnnnnnazis.

Pulley: That’s a great idea! Magic Nazis!

Ahsoka [Now lying on her stomach with her nose pressed into the floor; this does not seem uncomfortable]: What. The fucking. Fuck.

Wheel and Axle [not looking up from her editing]: Sure, I mean, that’s already canon.

Ahsoka: WHY AM I HERE…..

John: NAZIS’LL GETCHA

Pulley: On it, boss! [Begins frantically writing pages; there appears to be some very complex storyboarding and mythological notes in the margins]

Interview Pulley [talking very fast]: It’s really just an honor to be working for Fulcrum. I mean, I’m a part of certain circles [flips hair], and, you know, you hear rumors. ...Come to think of it, though, never heard of her doing anything in television before… But yeah. I guess I want to prove myself? If I can add this mission to my resume, it would be a real boost to my bounty hunting career. ...I guess.

Ahsoka: Why do I feel so fucking HIGH? AGAIN?

Wheel and Axle [still not looking up]: Maybe the fact that we hotboxed the break room?

Ahsoka [very slowly]: WHAT DID YOU DO?

John: [begins laughing uncontrollably]

Interview John: [Sobbing silently]

Mr. Fizzles opens the door.

Mr. Fizzles: I have the pages finish- what’s that terrible smell?

Interview Mr. Fizzles [shaking head sadly]: Kids these days. With their marijuanas and their memes… 

Ahsoka: [Groans]

Wedge stands up suddenly, moves toward Mr. Fizzles, and vomits literally everywhere except the trash can. Mr. Fizzles side steps smoothly out of the splash zone.

Interview Wedge: Girls don’t like me… all the popular guys are assholes… and I don’t even have my burrito anymore. What is even the point of living.

Wheel and Axle [finishes typing with a flourish]: There. We should have everything.

Ahsoka: Okay okay okay. We can do this. Wheel and Axle, put those pages in order. Pulley, rotate the room 90 degrees.

Pulley: Yessir! [Looks confused as to how to follow this order and begins searching the walls]

Mr. Fizzles [flipping through his script]: So uh, mine ended with a monologue about the importance of the pincer maneuver at the Battle of Marathon-

Wedge [burping up something extra, Mr. Fizzles side steps in the other direction]: That’s - erp - perfect. Flows right into my treatise on Vivaldi.

Mr. Fizzles looks confused, but Wheel and Axle snatches the pages out of his hands and shuffles everyone’s scripts together. She looks toward Ahsoka, who has not made an attempt to get up.

Wheel and Axle: All right, t minus 5 minutes! Everybody up! [Surveys scene] [General disarray and intoxication]

Interview Wheel and Axle: This is kind of a big moment for me, and I’m NOT going to fuck this up. I guess if Fulcrum won’t take charge here… then I have to.

Wheel and Axle: Screw, get out from under those cushions! Wedge, wipe the worst of that off your shirt! Inclined Plane, wash the coffee grounds out of John’s mouth! And Pulley, just… help Fulcrum stand up.

Pulley: Oh.

Wheel and Axle: After me!

The crew exits the break room, some stumbling more than others, except Aristophanes, who remains sitting on the table. Slowly he lights a cigarette and stares into the distance, pondering upon the death of intelligent entertainment.

Cut to the hallway. As the break room door opens, smoke (and the crew) pour out, and the “Chariots of Fire” theme begins playing. Cue the slow motion hallway walking scene, except everyone’s super high. They keep running into each other, lying down in the hallway, bursting into song, etc. Wheel and Axle keeps everyone moving in the same direction, at least.

The team, led by Ahsoka (who is technically being pushed forward by Wheel and Axle) enters the conference room. Through the door, the viewer can see a long table of serious looking people in suits, with Chad at the head.

The shot immediately changes to outside the studio (“THIRTY MINUTES LATER” text appears at the bottom of the screen). Several police cars and emergency vehicles are assembled, lights flashing. Ahsoka and Wheel and Axle are speaking to officers in the foreground. The other machines and John are scattered throughout the background of the shot, wearing shock blankets. Mr. Fizzles appears to be assisting another officer and writing something in a police notebook. All the characters are splattered in blood, vomit, and pencil shavings.

Ahsoka: All I can say is… I had no idea pencil sharpeners could be so dangerous. They should really put warning labels on those things.

Officer [raising her eyebrows]: Ma’am, could you explain why so many of the victims’ limbs are missing?

Ahsoka: No, officer. I had turned toward the whiteboard for a second to storyboard an idea, and when I turned back around, the scene was pretty much like you see it now.

Interview Ahsoka: I’m going to chalk this one up to “creative differences…”

Officer [incredulously]: None of you saw anything?

Ahsoka: Well, I can’t speak for my people, of course… but I’d say due to the traumatic nature of the experience, none of us could give an accurate report. You know what they say about the fallibility of eyewitness testimony. 

Wheel and Axle nods vigorously.

Officer: All right, well… I’ll have to speak to Forensics before I finish my report. But in the meantime, I’d like everyone present to take a drug test. Just to rule out any possibility of foul play.

Ahsoka [makes a strange hand motion that seems to end with her casually adjusting her headband]: We don’t need to take any drug tests. And this incident doesn’t need to be reported to the national media.

Officer [Blankly]: You don’t need to take drug tests. And I won’t make a report.

Wheel and Axle raises an eyebrow at Ahsoka, but says nothing.

Ahsoka: Thank you, officer. Now I should really go and check on my people. If you need anything else from me, here’s my card. 

Ahsoka hands her a business card; the camera focuses on it for a moment. It appears to say something like “ESPIONAGE - DEMOLITION - TELEVISION CONSULTANT” before the text changes to “CERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT.” Ahsoka and Wheel and Axle move off toward the tent village at the edge of the parking lot (home to actors who play recurring characters and who may need to be called in at a moment’s notice).

Ahsoka: How you holding up?

Wheel and Axle [looks a bit shaken]: Honestly - that was pretty horrific. I mean, I know none of it’s real, but… 

Interview Ahsoka [wincing]: I do feel a LITTLE bad about that. Wheel and Axle believing she’s on some kind of vision quest, I mean. But it’s just so CONVENIENT… Hopefully the others were all too high to remember the Pencil Sharpener Incident. Or they’ll just attribute it to a bad trip. Except for Mr. Fizzles, but… I somehow get the feeling he’s seen worse.

Interview Wheel and Axle: Kinda disturbed my subconscious could come up with something like that, actually.

Ahsoka: Right. Yeah, no reason for you to be psychologically damaged. Because it isn’t real.

Wheel and Axle looks at Ahsoka for a second like she wants to ask something, but doesn’t.

Ahsoka [almost reluctantly]: You did good back there.

Wheel and Axle grunts. She seems to be recovering her shell of teenage angst.

Ahsoka: Just saying. You pulled the team together when I couldn’t. Of course, we still have some disagreements about character arcs, but… you’re not bad as a leader.

Interview Ahsoka: When everyone else is high as shit. Or a sock. Well, she’s a better leader than the sock, I guess.

Interview Wheel and Axle: Whelp, what does she want.

Ahsoka: You know, I guess I am looking for a new person to head the production team… And, like, BE the production team…

Interview Wheel and Axle: There it is.

Interview Ahsoka: Flawless flattery. 100% effective. ...On Anakin, anyway.

Wheel and Axle [shrugging and pulling out phone]: Whatever.

Ahsoka [trying not to show visible relief]: Awesome. Of course, I’ll remain the executive producer…

Interview Wheel and Axle: [Holds up plastic model of a boat. Breaks it in half]

Ahsoka: But I’ve got a good feeling about this. We’ve got more creative control now. I think we’re really about to hit our stride on this thing.

Camera pulls out over the tent village. View of the emergency vehicles and body bags in the parking lot. The base appears to have a large chunk taken out of its north wing. Fade to black.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene opens in Bail’s office. He and Ahsoka are sitting in bean bag chairs and facing each other.

Bail: So. How’s the operation on Xenaria going?

Ahsoka: Oh, you know… it’s going…

Interview Ahsoka [looking nervous]: ...What’s Xenaria again?

Bail: Good. You know, the Empire has really stepped up its involvement there. And there have been reports of incidents with non-humans that… well, something doesn’t sit well with me. Anything you can do to bring aid to those people, or any intel you can gather… it could really help the Rebellion’s humanitarian efforts.

Ahsoka: Absolutely, sir. The Machines and I are... finalizing a mission that we think could really... cut to the root of the problem there. We’ll give you the full report by next week.

Interview Bail: That’s what really sets Fulcrum apart from some of my other agents - professionalism. Focus. ...Must be the military background.

Interview Ahsoka [guiltily]: Oh. THAT Xenaria.

Bail: So the Machines are working out? Last I heard, you were saying something about “creative differences”?

Ahsoka: Oh. Right. Well, none of them have died yet, right? So I’m still stuck with them, I guess.

Ahsoka laughs awkwardly. Bail doesn’t.

Ahsoka: Well, you said they were under my command. So I’ll deal with internal issues… internally.

Bail [nodding]: Very good. Let me know when you have that mission briefing ready.

Ahsoka: Yes, sir.

Guitar starts up as Ahsoka exits and starts walking down the hallway of the base. Continuous shot from the front, slightly slo mo. “Everyday People,” Joan Jett cover.

Sometimes I'm right and I can be wrong  
My own beliefs are in my song

Ahsoka passes the breakroom. Through the door, the viewer can see John curled up on the sofa. Mr. Fizzles appears to be making him coffee.

The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then  
Makes no difference what group I'm in  
I am everyday people, yeah yeah

Ahsoka passes the rec room. Screw and Inclined Plane are playing ping pong. 

There is a blue one who can't accept the green one  
For living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one

Ahsoka walks past Wedge’s room. His door is open, and he’s practicing French horn.

And different strokes for different folks  
And so on and so on and scooby dooby doo

Ahsoka passes Wheel and Axle on a hall couch. She’s typing something on her phone and looking bored.

Oh sha sha we got to live together  
I am no better and neither are you  
We're all the same whatever we do

Ahsoka passes the kitchen. Inside, Aristophanes appears to be sauteing something. Pulley is leaning over the skillet, looking interested and carrying on a conversation.

You love me you hate me  
You know me and then  
Still can't figure out the scene I'm in  
I am everyday people

Ahsoka smiles as the camera pulls away. Fade to credits; music interlude plays over credits.


End file.
